The Highs and Lows of Corporate America

**After passing the dreaded Series 66 and landing the job that would eventually lead to billions and billions of dollars (still waiting on that one by the way) I found that the working world was very different from college. No Spring Break, no summer's off and you actually have to worry about how you dress. It was a culture shock and I wasn't totally ready for it...**

I have found that somethings just never change, and something's do.

In college, when I would attempt to go to class (which was seldom at best), I would set my alarm to go off 30 minutes before my class started. Plenty of time, right? The first time my alarm would go off I would lazily roll over and hit snooze button. I would then repeat the process every few minutes until I would eventually roll over the last time and realize that I only had 6 minutes left to get to class; so then I would HAUL ASS out of bed, grab the first article of clothing I saw laying on my floor, throw my hair in a ponytail while running to my car and then screech into the parking lot with seconds to spare. I would then RUN AT FULL SPEED into the classroom and HURL myself into a seat and look around like "What? I'm totally on time."

As I said, something's never change. I still wait to the very last possible minute to get up and make it to work on time. But now my beauty regime is a bit more involved. Apparently, in the working world, you’re actually supposed to look presentable and not like Death Run Over. It also takes me far longer to get to work (compliments of Atlanta traffic) than it did for me to drive two miles from my dorm to the Haley Center for class. Instead of wadded up sorority shirts and cutoff shorts, I wear a suit everyday, and under no circumstances do I put said suits in a ball on the ground - there's simply different care instructions for suits than there are for t-shirts and shorts! Go Figure.

After I have franticly gotten ready, sat through traffic, found a parking place and gotten into my office there's one thing, and one thing only, on my mind...Starbucks. I love Starbucks because no matter how bad of a mood I am in, how band traffic was or how many times I got waived the bird by a 90 year old lady on the way in, once I take the first sip of that piping hot Pumpkin Spice Latté I go into a state of caffeinated bliss and I am immediately happy. I then repeat this $4.73 experience about 14 times a day. (Note To Self… I may have a new theory on why I am broke.)

My day is riddled with mailing and faxing and typing and meetings and all sorts of Grown-Up Things. I even have my own stationary with my name on it thankyouverymuch! There are Very Professional Things and Very Professional People that I work with. At least that’s what they would have you think until we have a company "get-together" at Dave & Busters and they get so drunk that someone actually gets in a fist-fight with a 7 year old over game TICKETS!!!

But that's another story all together.

Other than getting used to this whole growing up business, things have been busy and good with me. Brad and I attempted to get into the Christmas Spirit by attending a Christmas Play with my Mother (staring Dana Bennet "the voice of Ariel" in the Little Mermaid). Impressive, I know. The play was going just fine until one of the Sheppard’s brought a live sheep on stage and it then proceeded to PEE ON THE STAGE. Of course there was suddenly an impromptu scene change where they attempted to clean up the pee in the dark. BUT the most horrifying part was in Act 3, scene 2 when the little orphan went to LAY DOWN on the exact spot where the sheep PEED!! People, he’s had a hard enough life already: he's a freakin orphan. Did he have to lay in sheep's pee too??? IT'S CHRISTMAS FOR CRYING OUTLOUD.

So, that effectively put the cynicism back into my holiday cheer…


Usually a Good Test Taker

**For those of you who do not know about my day job, I am a Private Wealth Manager. I began my career 6 years ago and had no clue what I was getting myself into. Before you can provide financial advice there are a series of test that you have to pass to get the appropriate licenses. I had already taken the SEVEN HOUR LONG dreaded Series 7, Variable Products and a Life, Accident & Health exam and the last one I had to pass was the Series 66. This was a letter I wrote regarding that test...**

"Dear Lord, if I can just pass this exam I promise I will never cuss or drink or smoke crack again."

These were the words I found myself muttering while staring at a blue screen in a room cold enough to hang meat. This was the *second* time I was faced with this same screen for the same daunting Series 66 exam.

           Yes, I failed it the first time. … Miserably.

I used the mandated 30 day wait to retake the exam to diligently study and totally stress out. Last night, at around 2 AM, it dawned on me that, no pressure, but my entire career, and future, rest on the grade I receive on this test alone:

                  Pass: Life is wonderful and I become the next woman billionaire

                  Fail: Bag lady at Kroger.

And so the annoying twitch in my left eye, brought on by stress, began. After 4 hours of restlessly staring at the clock and 20 minutes of actual sleep had passed my alarm (set to country music thankyouverymuch Brad) reached decibel levels that only dogs can hear. I got up, got dressed, and ran out of the door so that I would have plenty of time to get to the testing center.

           Did I mention that the testing center was across town? It was rush hour traffic?

I was so nervous about the possibility of being a bag lady and being forced to wear a smock with my name on it forever that I almost threw up.

                            About three times.

                                     Before I got out of my driveway.

This was probably compounded by the fact that in the last 48 hours I had consumed thrice the legal amount of caffeinated Coffee Frappachino as determined by the FDA. All hail Starbucks! About half way there, running right on time, trying not to hyperventilate, I realized I was "heading in the wrong direction", ok, um, err… I was extremely lost. My mind had been turned into mashed potatoes by all the studying and I didn’t even know WHO I was let alone WHERE I was.

Now my eye is still twitching, I have a bag in my hand to catch the impending puke, and I call my mother trying to explain to her where the directions might be. Panic fell on me with a force second only to when I heard that Sex and the City was about to air its *gasp* final season. At this point I am going the wrong way on I-285 and there are horns honking and birds being flicked and angry commuters cursing my name all while trying to understand what my mother is saying to me while anxiously looking at the clock to calculate how many minutes I have before I should just give up and go to Kroger to just turn myself in.

With the help of my Mother, Rand McNally and compass that came with a Happy Meal, I found my way to the testing center with .00097 seconds to spare. I had been very careful to bring my notes with me so I could have a quick review right before I began the test. As I started to look over said notes I realized that my forethought had been in vain due to the fact that my Blue Cross/Blue Shield insurance packet would not help me pass the Uniformed Combined State Law Exam. I had picked up the wrong papers!!

So, defeated, discouraged, and hyped up on Frappachinos, eye twitching, and still carrying my puke bag I went in to take the test. After you are finished the computer grades the test while you wait for a millennium 15 seconds and it was at this point I said my little prayer. When I opened my eyes I couldn’t believe what I saw, an 81??!?!

                                     I got an 81!!!

All I needed to pass was a 71. Did you know that 81 is the most magical, wonderful number in the world? So, move over Opra, there is a new billionaire in the making!

         And bag ladies everywhere: Your Jobs Are Safe! ...  For now :)



Internet: Behold My OCD

I figured since we will be getting to know each other a little better here on Grits & Wit, I would "show mine" first. Here are a few random facts about me. Proof positive that I will one day be involved in a case study on Crazy Women...

1. My Dad's nickname for me is "Roxy" short for "Roxanne-Honeysuckle-Sugar-Britches-Darlin-Do-My-Sweet-Potato-Pie." He has called me this my whole life. He is also a very weird dude.

2. I live with a paralyzing fear of men who wear jean shorts. If those jean shorts are being held up with a braided belt and paired with sandals that are, at least in part, made of Velcro, you might as well just kill me.

3. I am OBSESSED with Reality TV. It’s a true sickness. So bad, in fact, that I have watched every episode of all three seasons of Bret Michaels' Rock of Love at least twice. ...I didn't say I was proud of myself.

4. I could easily survive on cheese dip alone. I'd be fat, but I'd be happy. Ole!

5. I do not eat eggs, butter or mayonnaise. I could also live without back jelly beans, coconut, English peas and jagermeister.

6. I know every single word to the Outkast song "Bombs over Baghdad" and if you want to challenge me to a rap-off, I will totally win. Unless you are Snoop Dog, then I would loose.

7. I have three dogs...

          Buttermilk Pancake Frances Samford-Nuss "Pancake” (worlds smallest Pomeranian)

          Charles Fisherman Samford-Nuss "Fisher" (Parsons Jack Russell Terrier/Mentally Retarded)

          Roxanna Eloise Nuss "Roxy" (Tiny Precious Pixy Pomeranian)

8. I met my husband on a blind date. He had a nice butt, so I decided to keep him around.

9. I love rainy Sundays, sitting by the fireplace, holding hands, fried green tomatoes and fresh cut flowers.

10. I aspire to be a Martha Stewart-like Domestic Goddess, minus the cleaning. So, I cook dinner for my husband every night and most nights it’s edible.

11. As a public service announcement I would like to remind people that if you attend a wedding, eat their food, drink their booze and boogie to their band, you should bring a gift.

12. My Mom is my hero. She's also the bomb.

13. The thing I'm most proud of is that I was successful and independent before I got married. I had a great job, bought a house and had money in the bank and I knew that if anything ever happened I would be able to stand on my own two feet.

14. Luckily #13 will never happen due to the fact that my husband is acutely aware that I have an extra dose of The Crazy and will go MEDIEVAL ON HIS ASS if he ever tries to leave me.

15. Even though it’s been 9 years since my sister passed away, I still cry about it at least a few times a week. My biggest regret in life is that she wasn’t able to stand beside me at my wedding.

16. I love sitting up all night chatting with a girlfriend and drinking wine. You know it was a good night if you end up in tears talking about how much you love each other!

17. I am obsessively early to everything and I get really annoyed when anyone makes me late.

18. I LIVE for Pottery Barn.

19. I consider myself somewhat of an expert in overreacting. I have a tendency to assume that any given problem is 3.5 million times worse than it actually is. My mind can easily jump from a Tivo malfunction to ARMAGEDDON!!

20. I have a moral objection to men who make that disgusting sound when they clear their sinuses by internally sucking the snot out of their nose and down their throat. For the Love of God use a tissue or you will never have sex with a woman again.

21. I've been told that I do not have an ounce of BS in me. I tell it like it is.

22. My goal in life is to travel the world with the love of my life (yes, I mean you, Brad) and retire in a small beach town in the South. of France.

23. I don't want to have kids, and I don't want your opinion on it either.

24. I was born to be a hostess. I love to have dinner parties, use the good china and be fancy! I came by this naturally; Martha Stewart routinely calls my mother for etiquette advice.

25. I will forgive, but I won't forget.

26. I like to break the rules :)


First Post!

         Trying to start a blog is not unlike the frustration one faces with handed a rubics cube. It’s an impossible series of jumping through hoops and dealing with HTML which is a completely foreign language to me. I have started this blog on about 14,737 different hosting sights, bought a domain name and sat on hold for a total of 15 hours with various customer service centers. I'm a little frustrated and this is not the "final product" for how I want the layout to appear, but at least its something and a place to start. I have a few requests for the blog:

 1. Please comment so that I know you are out there!

2. Feel free to give me input on things that you like/hate... well mostly things you like

3. Don't take offense; it's all in good fun :)

       I am going to start off by posting some old funny stories that I use to email out to my friends. A literary walk down memory lane, if you will. I will start posting new material when I figure out how to work this whole blog thing....